Dirty House

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

Is it the lack of will?
As I take part of the couch
I see the kids running
Screaming
Throwing legos around.

My head throbs
Poisonous cheers
Thorns prickling
My already wounded mind.
Bombs echoing my soul.

I take a look outside
The palms dance
With the beat of the wind.
Like two lovers embracing
Acknowledging each other’s presence.
Bodies entangled
And moving with ease
Circling with poise
What a beautiful sight.
My heart aches
Don’t know yet
If it’s by the lovely sight
Or the rumbling inside.

Teachers bleed their knowledge
I tell my kids “eyes on-screen.”
After a while
They get annoyed
And start hacking the system.
Two screens are shown
One with the teacher
The other
A youtuber it seems.

They forget
I know they do
So I become
That security guard
That unpleasant person
That keeps them on a leash.
I try my best to block
Their indifference
Sometimes
To the point of defiance.
My throat hurts
My heart aches
I block my tears.
They seem startled
For the moment
And back down temporarily.

I see my house being unattended
I keep feeling the urge
Yet they keep looking for an opportunity.
So I sit in this lousy couch
Like a watcher
Feeling insecure
Feeling the pressure
Trying to stop
Screams of joy
So the scholars pay attention.

This feeling of loneliness
This feeling…

I avert my gaze to the window
Once again
I see
Those dancing partners
I’m starting to envy them
Such lovely freedom.

I guess it’s finally getting me

This isolation

This impotence when it comes
To the school’s electronic devices.

The attention I give
To three different grade levels.

At the same time making
Food for them.

Trying to stop words
Coming out from their mouths
I have never said
In front of them.

All thanks to youtube
Thanks to the lack of admins permission
On the school’s electronic device.

Then again
grateful for this device
During these troubling times.

The pressure of them
Making a B or better.

It’s all scrambled eggs
Including the eggshells
They keep hurting
every time I chew and swallow.

I guess
Just like a dirty house
That needs to be cleaned
My soul
Also needs to be cleansed.

Words From Within

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

I wouldn’t say
It’s a poem per say
It’s an out cry
From inside
Bleeding lines
Looking for a healing tonic
To induce an unfinished scar
While praying this pain
Is but another past
Another world
I can cast aside
Another reality
Written in paper
With this humble hand
Deliberating
If I should also
give it breath
Or just burn it
As if a secret mission
Never to be known.

Raw honey
That smoothens
My rough throat
Untying this knot
Giving reign
To this voice
To this pen
To this written page.

Glass like tears
Melted
Purified water
To be drank again
And again
Until others knots
Are untied as well.

Raw words
Not beautified
Just outlined
A beginning to an end
And end to begin
That is all…

Strand

There was no God
To be spoken to…

Broken

No miracle
No magic casted…

Broken

Just one strand
That one freaking strand
I hung to…

Clung

No matter how beaten…

Desperately

No matter how deep into soil…

Brazenly

Even when crumbled…

I clung

Clung to that
one shining strand…

And I

Depended of
That one and only…

Sanity

Today is a broken day…

Faith

Yet tomorrow will be
another page…

Yes

This one insignificant strand…

Sanity combined with faith.

Sudden goodbye

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

I guess…
When it comes to the sudden goodbyes
It’s not the goodbye
but the regrets
That come along with it
And pierce my peaceful mind.

Like the dreams
That are forever gone
From the cub in transition.
Like the heroic moment
that stabs you from behind.
The life saved from the fallen
From the unwanted
from the feared
From the egoistic and uncivilized
Exchanged with the bullet taken
By your mind literally and consciously.

Like the understanding
Of people standing
Watching
Unmoving
Frozen in fear.
Yet why?
Why did you move?..
Why is it that the heroes
Always die?
Why is it that the brave
The caring
The explosive compassion
Is always extinguished first?

Chained in bed…
That is…
Another part of my regret.
Your last goodbye
A parade with a serenade.
People following
They sang along
They walked with you
And others were waiting ahead.
Some just watching
And not knowing
Others with a hand
In their heart
For bravery is in front
Passing in silence
With “Un día a la vez”
And us with a knot
In our throat.

This was the last goodbye…
Yet
I wasn’t there
That alone…

Shadows

Shadows of my past
Biggest fears to surpass
The spiders from those dreams
Of toys and dolls
Arranged on my bed
Thus the lonely night
Sitting on the street.

La mano pachona
As well as la llorona
They seem to be lurking
Crawling, manifesting on my skin.

The abandonment from the embrace
From the extra gifts
In contrast to the child’s needs.
To the whispers of the crowd
Emphasizing arrows to its prey.

Afraid of the masked monsters
And their invisible claws
Of their unsolicited touchy feeling
Hiding behind a smile
And submissive with no flaws
Yet predators ready to pounce
When there’s a chance.

Yes, afraid of the two-faced
Of the blinded eyed
Of the slip tongued
Of the coldness in their heart.

Such darkness in the light
Childish it seems
But the scars
Are hard to heal.
Afraid
I still feel.

*prompt from HOWLS FROM EL MONTE weekly prompts

Soap not Soap Opera

My soul
Has tasted dirty waters
Of the unconscious leaders.
There is a need of soap
to wash it away
Not this soap opera
That’s filling our minds.

A soap with the aroma of love
With the texture to exfoliate
The impurities of hate
Leaving our minds
With empathy and resilience.

Let there be peace
Let there be joy
Let others be alive
Let’s recognize
Lets mourn those lives.
And above all
Let’s keep
ourselves safe.

Nameless love

You are bound to be free
and that is how
I will let you be
This silence is my love.
This smile is my farewell.
I can not say
You are my first love
Yet you are the one
That hurt the most.
The moon is clear tonight
The waves are ready
To sail away.
The treasures are left
Forever to be lost
And the wind
Has set its course.
Pretty sure you will
Set foot in many ports
As for mine
Is for ever closed.
Goodbye
My nameless love.

Finally free

As she was saying goodbye
The car kept moving
Her eyes kept drifting
To the past memories
The knot in her throat
Asphyxiated her soul
Barely twelve
And she’s set her goal.

“It’s finally here,
I’ve waited for twelve years
I’m finally free!
Free from him
Free from them
Free from those shackles.”

Tears ran down her face
As if shedding her fears
Leaving behind that fake
And dark world.

“My body
finally belongs to me
Not another day
Will I have to say ok
I’m finally…”

She closed her wet honey eyes
And knocked her head on the window
As if knocking monsters away.
Sighed, cleaned her face
And with determination
Faced her future ahead.

Today

My head is nowhere to be found
My heart is deep in the dark
Probably even beyond that.

Today marks the day
That you left me behind in dismay
Today is that day
In which I left that rope sail away.
Yes, today my heart is sizzling
With salty invisible bubbles.

Even though tomorrow
will be just a wave
Today the density of it
Is purely asphyxiating as hell.

Tomorrow will be of the past
Yet today my heart
Has been shred into dust.
Today part of my body
Has been turned black
Today part of my blood
Has dried to the core.
Yes, today I lost
Yes, today I burst
Whats, hows, whys, whens
They seem too surreal
To me now.

Yes, I turn my back
to that part of me
To that sizzling fire
To that freaking chaos
To that insecurity
To that part of my heart
That made me shed
trillions of tears.

Yes, I have lost myself
Yes, I have lost that part as well
Nothing will be the same
Nothing at all
Nothing….

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