Yet…

I see you
And I see myself
I see a gap
And I feel insecure.

And I see your ideals
As well as all of your deals.
I feel my fears
Yet I try to conceal…

To conceal this dark side of me
So I dance along with you
We are too close
So I see what I’ve become.

I wish to be accepted
So I fly and dance
At the sound of your voice
At the rhythm of your song.

The thing is
Sometimes I wonder
Is this really me?
I do love to fly
I love to dance
I love your voice
The sound of your strings
I definitely love them all.

Yet…

Behind This Door

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

Behind this door
I saw a being mythical to me
With the most beautiful eyes
Baby blue
Almost blurred.

Behind this door
I felt inexplicable feelings.
Curiosity as I held this knob
Stilly I briefly opened the door
Afraid of alerting that being.
Her
Who had to see her son
As her brother.
Her
That I almost know nothing about.

Just like a legend
Unbelievable until you see.
Hidden behind this door
Afraid to scare the fairy away
Thanks to that existence
I’m able to breathe
Yet I’m nonexistent in her life.

I’m only twelve
Why?
Why is it hard to understand?
I’ve been given a great chance
To at least see her
From afar
Yet why am I so greedy…

Behind this door
I met my other self
This envious being
Of those close to her
Of those who can hug her
Of those who can be patted by her
Of those who can be praised by her
Of those who can sit next to her.

Envy
Since I don’t share any traits with her.
She’s like a royal pearl
I’m but chocolate milk.
Her wide baby blue eyes
Against my slanted hazy eyes.

Nothing seems to link me to her
That beautiful being
Only this invisible red thing
That flows in my being.

Behind this door
I was astonished
To the point of crying
I felt the hidden longing
At least a warm hug
At least to be acknowledged
At least to feel my existence.
At least…

That was my first and last
Encounter with my grandmother
Behind this door
Quietly admiring her
That fairy that can not see
But only hear
That fairy
That never knew my existence
Yet she is engraved in mine…

Words From Within

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

I wouldn’t say
It’s a poem per say
It’s an out cry
From inside
Bleeding lines
Looking for a healing tonic
To induce an unfinished scar
While praying this pain
Is but another past
Another world
I can cast aside
Another reality
Written in paper
With this humble hand
Deliberating
If I should also
give it breath
Or just burn it
As if a secret mission
Never to be known.

Raw honey
That smoothens
My rough throat
Untying this knot
Giving reign
To this voice
To this pen
To this written page.

Glass like tears
Melted
Purified water
To be drank again
And again
Until others knots
Are untied as well.

Raw words
Not beautified
Just outlined
A beginning to an end
And end to begin
That is all…

Delirio

By Rosalva Ruiz SuperNova

Odio
A primera vista lo sentí
Cuando a tus ojos amielados
Desde aquí yo vi
Como si endulzando sueños
Fuera tu existir.

Odio
Tu presencia…
exquisita sensación.
Labios tiernos y sensuales
Arrogancia deleitable
Dando tu sonrisa angelical
A cualquiera que vez pasar.

Odio
Que entre tanta gente
La puedo detectar
Esa silueta difícil de olvidar
Con esa figura escultural
Le quisiera abrazar.

Pero mas odio
Mi sed de tu ser
Apetito insaciable
Miedo indomable
Inquietud por verte
Acariciarte
Inclusive Idolatrarte.

Odio
Esta parte de mí
Ya que solo
Una vez te vi
Y al instante
Me enamoré de ti
Existes
Más no existes
Te conozco
Mas eres un extraño.

Te busco en muchas personas
Mas solo existes en esa historia
Solo existes para esa persona
Solo
Tinta y papel
Simple garabato imaginario
Y mi corazón
En delirio inadecuado.

Nameless love

You are bound to be free
and that is how
I will let you be
This silence is my love.
This smile is my farewell.
I can not say
You are my first love
Yet you are the one
That hurt the most.
The moon is clear tonight
The waves are ready
To sail away.
The treasures are left
Forever to be lost
And the wind
Has set its course.
Pretty sure you will
Set foot in many ports
As for mine
Is for ever closed.
Goodbye
My nameless love.

Finally free

As she was saying goodbye
The car kept moving
Her eyes kept drifting
To the past memories
The knot in her throat
Asphyxiated her soul
Barely twelve
And she’s set her goal.

“It’s finally here,
I’ve waited for twelve years
I’m finally free!
Free from him
Free from them
Free from those shackles.”

Tears ran down her face
As if shedding her fears
Leaving behind that fake
And dark world.

“My body
finally belongs to me
Not another day
Will I have to say ok
I’m finally…”

She closed her wet honey eyes
And knocked her head on the window
As if knocking monsters away.
Sighed, cleaned her face
And with determination
Faced her future ahead.

Secret

There is a hidden story within my heart
That nobody has been able to touch
This secret sometimes feels like a ghost.

Sometimes it’s quiet
Other times it becomes a thriller
It’s all racket and showy
Mysterious with no end
Just a continuation.

Other times it’s the sunset
Of one’s life
It’s also the glory and bliss
Of that miraculous first breath.

This secret of mine
That’s precious and dangerous
This poison ivy
That’s tangled in my body
That itches
That’s too beautiful
That bleeds
And self heals.

This dirty and crazy secret
That’s part of my innocence
Yet…

Yes, this crazy little story of mine…

Till life exists

A broken soul that’s how I used to live
It didn’t matter, day or night
as long as I was left with him,
They weren’t safe, my body and soul
Threats, fears and anxiety became my daily bread
A fake smile became my hiding place
And envy towards the innocent
Became the core of my gloomy self
When I finally thought a hero came to my rescue
A big fat slap became my initiation
25 minutes of nintendo was my worth
at least that’s what they said
Don’t even remember the names or their faces
Since I was only 8 years old
Shattered was my heart and soul
I hated being a woman in this insane world
Violation of my self and rights
Mitigation of my dreadful life
Scars within and bruises in hidden places
Were part of the don’t talk, don’t scream, don’t move, don’t cry, don’t bite, don’t close and don’t hit
All the don’ts in the world
Came chasing me whole
While my mind was going away
I swore to myself to never forget
Life still exists after this dreaded fix
And when that day comes,
This shrewd people shall cease to exist
At least in my life…