Behind This Door

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

Behind this door
I saw a being mythical to me
With the most beautiful eyes
Baby blue
Almost blurred.

Behind this door
I felt inexplicable feelings.
Curiosity as I held this knob
Stilly I briefly opened the door
Afraid of alerting that being.
Her
Who had to see her son
As her brother.
Her
That I almost know nothing about.

Just like a legend
Unbelievable until you see.
Hidden behind this door
Afraid to scare the fairy away
Thanks to that existence
I’m able to breathe
Yet I’m nonexistent in her life.

I’m only twelve
Why?
Why is it hard to understand?
I’ve been given a great chance
To at least see her
From afar
Yet why am I so greedy…

Behind this door
I met my other self
This envious being
Of those close to her
Of those who can hug her
Of those who can be patted by her
Of those who can be praised by her
Of those who can sit next to her.

Envy
Since I don’t share any traits with her.
She’s like a royal pearl
I’m but chocolate milk.
Her wide baby blue eyes
Against my slanted hazy eyes.

Nothing seems to link me to her
That beautiful being
Only this invisible red thing
That flows in my being.

Behind this door
I was astonished
To the point of crying
I felt the hidden longing
At least a warm hug
At least to be acknowledged
At least to feel my existence.
At least…

That was my first and last
Encounter with my grandmother
Behind this door
Quietly admiring her
That fairy that can not see
But only hear
That fairy
That never knew my existence
Yet she is engraved in mine…

Shut Eyes

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

I guess I knew
But I shut my eyes
I’ve imagined every excuse
You could think of
But never the color
Never the heritage
Never the roots of it all.

Thinking back
There was a time
When I lived at a small town
I was but seven
And fascinated with magic
Funny enough
A family of five
Came into town.

They were witches
The grownups said
They might put a spell on ya
They said and with that
Voiced barriers were made.

But I wanted to learn magic
Due to circumstances
I wanted to cast a spell
And protect myself.
I wanted to be invisible
To the masked people.
So either I died trying
Or never be able to.

And yes
A magic spell was cast
“Friendship”
The most beautiful there was.
I learned so many things
But never magic.
Sometimes
I was invisible to some people
Since they thought
I was stained
Which didn’t really matter
Since I was having other
Much more troubling affairs
At that time.

I once asked them
Why is everyone saying
You all are witches and yet
You all don’t know any magic?
Antonio’s mom answered
With a pained smile
“Well, it just came to be that way.”
I couldn’t understand why
She answered that way.

In fact I couldn’t understand
How his dad was always
Looking for a job
He often was fired
After a week or two of getting hired.

He was a loving father
He never drank
I never saw him raise his voice
He could do just about anything.
In my eyes, he was such a good guy
I just couldn’t understand it.

After a year
They left town
I never saw them again.

I didn’t get it back then
They were having a hard time coping
Getting acknowledged despite their looks
They barely had money for food
Yet they always invited me
To whatever they had in the table.

Why was I so naive back then?
Why didn’t I see the injustice?
Why did I shut my eyes?

Roots

Roots are engraved in my veins
It’s not the culture
It’s the warmth that emanates from it.


It’s the soft song
That makes you dance along.

It’s the perfect amount of spice
That gives us that savory bite.

Like that piece of heaven
You found in a far away land
And with just that memory
Makes a watery mouth.

One can even taste

the smell in the air
From that place
Transporting you to another time
To  a world
That only one knows.

From time to time
There may be some bitter drinks
On the way.

Even a hangover the next day
Yet our roots are stronger
That even with any storm
Our roses will flourish.

This…
This is my family
This is my culture
These are my roots.

Sudden goodbye

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

I guess…
When it comes to the sudden goodbyes
It’s not the goodbye
but the regrets
That come along with it
And pierce my peaceful mind.

Like the dreams
That are forever gone
From the cub in transition.
Like the heroic moment
that stabs you from behind.
The life saved from the fallen
From the unwanted
from the feared
From the egoistic and uncivilized
Exchanged with the bullet taken
By your mind literally and consciously.

Like the understanding
Of people standing
Watching
Unmoving
Frozen in fear.
Yet why?
Why did you move?..
Why is it that the heroes
Always die?
Why is it that the brave
The caring
The explosive compassion
Is always extinguished first?

Chained in bed…
That is…
Another part of my regret.
Your last goodbye
A parade with a serenade.
People following
They sang along
They walked with you
And others were waiting ahead.
Some just watching
And not knowing
Others with a hand
In their heart
For bravery is in front
Passing in silence
With “Un día a la vez”
And us with a knot
In our throat.

This was the last goodbye…
Yet
I wasn’t there
That alone…

End of year 2020

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

Waves of black feathers sea
Fuzzy lights on the street
Cold…
Humid and desertic
Nothing like past years
A few cars parked in restaurants
Too few for these holidays…
2020 is coming to its end
Vaccines are a trend
Starting today.

Will next year be ok?
Who knows…
Will the broken be complete again?
Can’t say…
Will the broken links be whole again?
Depends…
At very least I know for sure
This year was unexpected
It crawled under my skin
With terror
With uncertainty
My faith was shaken
Too many times
And I’m still standing
Still dreaming
Still hoping
I am still saying
Merry Christmas
And blessed New year
May God console your soul
And please stay strong.
Tomorrow will come
Tomorrow will be another day
Today will be left behind
To be displayed
In written memoirs
In history books
And above all in stories
To be told…

A Christmas Howl

By Rosalva Ruiz (SuperNova)

When was it that my world changed?
Christmas is not the same
A house full of warmth
Uncles happy with whiskey and beer
Aunts gossiping with glee
The children running around
The tamalada with guacamole and sauce
As well as cabrito en sangrita and arroz
While the menudo is in herbor
in el mechón
Close to everybody
Pa hecharle un ojo
The fireworks illuminating the sky
Even wishes were made before
It all died
Children playing las escondidas
Asking from time to time
“Is it 12 yet?”
“Can we open our gifts?”

The door unable to stop
People coming in and out of the house
There was laughter and joy
Huapangos and danzon.
Alguna que otra cumbia
Y un buen bailador.

A carpet full of humans
One could barely walk
With the dim lights
and whispering
all through the night.
Sometimes…
Even a howling scream at dawn
Where somebody was stepped on
By a drunken uncle
Trying to reach the restroom.
And all laughing
Unable to go back to sleep
With the smell of tortillas de harina
Recien saliditas, beans, machacado
coffee and menudo for the hangover.
Everybody sitting where there was a place
Eating, talking, laughing…
What a magical place and time.

These past memories came howling
During these holidays
Excruciating my already beaten heart…

I Wonder

Regrets…
I have many
Too many to count. 

Rainy days
Liquid too heavy
Too sharp and too runny
Sometimes
Too scary and muddy. 

Followed
By colorless rainbow days
Too depressing
to not even imagine
It’s final prize
The end with its treasure. 

Maybe a wish to a better past
Then again
With the current knowledge 
With the current courage
Without the knots
Fearless and assertive. 

But would that be me?
Would that change
Bring me to now?
Would these words
Come to existence again?
I wonder…

Forbidden Path

A Forbidden path
She took in her past

A drunken dog
Is barking at her door
After not finding the keyhole
Howling
came from the freaking wolf.

Pity
the neighbors felt
After a few months of separation
An empty house
Is now making noise
He is now outside his home
While the girl
Doesn’t open her door

But they don’t know
Today was a day of reconciliation
He is celebrating, I suppose…

But not for her
Today was the first day
Of their last chance.

Today marked their reunion
Today was a new beginning
Forgetting his past adventures
His grotesque words
Even his lack of responsibility.

She tried not to step
On the forbidden path.
She did her best
To be against all odds.

Her aunts, her friends
They all were against divorce.
That forbidden path
Too uncanny for this girl.

She’s portrayed as cold blooded
With almost no loving.
House wrecker
And soul sucking…

As for her
A darken veil of hypocrisy
Is all she sees
Hatred for the adventurer
Disappointment from the sweet talker.

Divroce is all she thinks
Forbiden path it appears
She doesn’t care
Loosing all kinds of friends
Freedom is what she seeks
Peace away from that mess.

She opens that door
While carrying her son
With a suitcase on her back
Today was the last chance
This is goodbye
Carry on forbidden path.

Shadows

Shadows of my past
Biggest fears to surpass
The spiders from those dreams
Of toys and dolls
Arranged on my bed
Thus the lonely night
Sitting on the street.

La mano pachona
As well as la llorona
They seem to be lurking
Crawling, manifesting on my skin.

The abandonment from the embrace
From the extra gifts
In contrast to the child’s needs.
To the whispers of the crowd
Emphasizing arrows to its prey.

Afraid of the masked monsters
And their invisible claws
Of their unsolicited touchy feeling
Hiding behind a smile
And submissive with no flaws
Yet predators ready to pounce
When there’s a chance.

Yes, afraid of the two-faced
Of the blinded eyed
Of the slip tongued
Of the coldness in their heart.

Such darkness in the light
Childish it seems
But the scars
Are hard to heal.
Afraid
I still feel.

*prompt from HOWLS FROM EL MONTE weekly prompts

Nameless love

You are bound to be free
and that is how
I will let you be
This silence is my love.
This smile is my farewell.
I can not say
You are my first love
Yet you are the one
That hurt the most.
The moon is clear tonight
The waves are ready
To sail away.
The treasures are left
Forever to be lost
And the wind
Has set its course.
Pretty sure you will
Set foot in many ports
As for mine
Is for ever closed.
Goodbye
My nameless love.

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